I have lost my compassion,
my relevant emotions
I am barely living,
My eyes are closed
I am coasting downhill
Rock bottom greets me warmly
Is this Hell?
I can see the devil smiling at me
Arms agape, those sinister eyes
His tongue flicks with the rhythm of each sweet lie
My body sways to the melody
Feet tap in sync to each flash of irony
I am who I could not be
But I am who I would not be
Cries of desperation escape in fragments
I am choking on my past self
My words fall out in pieces
Take me back, this pain is unfamiliar
My stomach churns in a memory
My skin is bruised from the ghost inside of me
She wanders through the cracks in my being
The parts of me that have been broken, misplaced, and stolen
My conscience begs to plead her case
A reflection of my weakness
A defense against my strength
Immorality draws its sword against my shame
My vices smother each demur against my weakening sanity
I am coated in armor
Casted in plaster
With a barbed wire heart
But this inner voice
Her objections are nuclear
She demands I let her breathe through the concrete and the mortar
She chips at every reinforcement I have made against the guilt, against the sorrow, against the pain
And without them, I am spineless
I am wavering, translucent
She is too kind, too forgiving
Too naive for this ache that refuses to stop growing
I must stifle every urge to let my guard down
I will paint myself black until my luster has vanished
I will shrink into every dusty corner of malignance
My corruption will slit the throat of my virtue
My innocence will rot at the feet of my transgressions
I am not pure, I am not whole
I am vulgar and empty
I am not warm, I am not caring
I am futile
I am nothing
Snapchat me: amandacall
Don’t mind me.
Here have a selfie from a month ago.
Today I will get really high by myself and listen to good music.
I think the reason everyone gets so hung up on the people that treat them like so much less than they deserve, and the ones that hurt them and scar them and leave them, is because we get so bent on making it work. We just get caught up on the “what ifs” and the ” if only’s” that we lose sight of reality. We lose time and happiness. Even when the feelings for the person are gone, we don’t even realize it, because we can’t let go of what could have been. It’s funny how a thing like hope can turn to poison. So we sit in the pain, and torture ourselves with fading memories and all the expired possibilities. We are all so afraid to let go. And we all convince ourselves that that’s love. Love is a fine line, and so little walk it.
Iunno. High life.
Sometimes I model.